How Did We Function before Autocorrect?

Before autocorrect made us all morons, there was the malaprop.

Named by Lord Byron after the fictional character Mrs. Malaprop (as in "inappropriate"), the malaprop is a familiar brand of verbal slip.

Malaprops are funny because, though unintended, they seem to work.

Mrs. Malaprop, for example, advised a woeful Lydia Languish to illiterate him from your memory.

Rick Perry once called state governments lavatories of innovation, while an anonymous office worker called a colleague a vast suppository of information.

Speaking of which, Richard Daley once praised Chicago's members of Alcoholics Unanimous.

Boston mayor Thomas Menino called his city's parking shortage an Alcatraz around my neck.

Comedian Norm Crosby worried when he misconscrewed what you said.

President George W. Bush warned we cannot let terrorists hold this nation hostile.

And my boyhood pal Mookie called the corroded faces in monster movies decroded.

But that was just a pigment of his imagination.

A Pen as Mighty as His Sword

In his masterful Mask of Command, the late military historian John Keegan makes the case that Ulysses Grant's dispatches were as much responsible for victory as his grasp of tactics and infamous determination.

General George Gordon Meade’s chief of staff Theodore Lyman once wrote, “There is one striking thing about Grant’s orders: no matter how hurriedly he may write them on the field, no one ever had the slightest doubt as to their meaning, or ever had to read them over a second time to understand them."

It was clarity, simplicity and directness that made Grant's dispatches so astonishingly effective.

Lyman said Grant's dispatches "inclined to be epigrammatic without his being aware of it,” chiefly because the general used “plain and unmistakably clear words.”

Three examples:

In February 1862, hunkered before Fort Donelson, Grant sent this note to Confederate General General S.B.Buckner:

Sir, Yours of this date, proposing armistice and appointment of commissioners to settle terms of capitulation, is just received. No terms except an unconditional and immediate surrender can be accepted. I propose to move immediately upon your works.

In April 1864, while advancing on the Wilderness, Grant dispatched the following order to Meade:

Lee’s army will be your objective point. Wherever Lee goes, there you will go also.

And after Spotsylvania, in May 1864, Grant sent the army's chief of staff, Henry Halleck, this note:

We have now ended the 6th day of very hard fighting. I propose to fight it out on this line if it takes all summer.

When your goal is clarity—to write so that your readers will understand exactly what you mean—write like Grant, with simplicity and directness. 

Clarity eliminates ambiguity and confusion, and makes reading effortless.

Why Success Stories Rule

While you keep dishing out vainglory, only success stories "spark imagination and generate discussion," writes Theo Priestley in Forbes.

"There’s a definite sense of pride behind retelling a company history, or the deep technical passion in the product itself, but the solution only comes alive when there’s a story," Priestley says.

A product-design and marketing consultant, Priestley bristles over the naiveté of most marketers, who honestly believe their bluster is convincing.

Stories trump marketing megalomania, Preistley says, for three reasons:

Stories show how your brand is perceived in the market. Success stories illustrate clearly how your product differs from competitors'. 

Stories allow you to express an opinion. "Opinions matter, even if they’re controversial," Priestley says. They matter, because opinions ask customers to think.

Stories connect marketing and sales. Success stories let marketers and salespeople work as a team to deliver concise, consistent messages.

The Big Short

Potent speakers and writers lean on lively—and fewer—words.

I once heard Lew Ranieri, perturbed by a long-winded attorney for Freddie Mac, ask her, "Could you please talk faster? I'm having a bad day."

Emerson wrote in his Journals, "All writing should be selection in order to drop every dead word."

Emerson wondered why more speakers and writers didn't edit themselves, erasing all the "flat conventional words and sentences."

"If a man would learn to read his own manuscript severely—becoming really a third person, and search only for what interested him, he would blot to purpose—and how every page would gain! Then all the words will be sprightly, and every sentence a surprise."

Lively speaking and writing is short and concise. 

Conciseness will keep your audience.

But don't go overboard, and prune vital information.

The Ancient Roman poet Horace said, “In trying to be concise, I become obscure.”

Want to be concise, without becoming obscure? 

Bookmark this guide.

Aim for the Heart

You'll earn an inimitable advantage over competitors if you link your brand with customers' hearts, says Michael Hinshaw, a customer experience specialist, in CMO.

Hinshaw cites research from The Disney Institute showing that companies that rouse good feelings have customers three times more likely to repurchase a company's products than the customers of other companies.

Customers develop feelings about your brand based on experiences with it. And try as you might to win them over with slogans, cheap prices, bribes or warranties, feelings are facts for customers, Hinshaw says.

So how do you forge heart-felt ties with your brand?

• Learn the features of your brand that customers care about. Do they care about choice, reliability, durability, speed, comfort, convenience, neatness, or other features? Delivering unimportant features well won't improve how customers feel.

• Track each customer's expectations of your performance on these features. Customers' expectations differ at different times, and for different transactions, Hinshaw says. To catch a customer's fancy, you need to meet her expectations in the moment. At first, you might have to show the customer that your products are fun and safe (you market party favors, for example); while at a later time, that you can deliver them overnight, in any style and color (just in time for a birthday).