Names

A man's name, which is supposed to be just the sound for who he is, can be an augur of what he will do.

— William Faulkner

The Kardashians, "America's First Family," are notorious, among other things, for picking saccharine baby names. Kim, Kourtney, Khloé and Kylie have burdened their kids with names like True, Dream, Saint, Psalm, Reign, Mason, Stormi, North, Chicago and Scotland.

"The name of a man is a numbing blow from which he never recovers," Marshall McLuhan once observed.

The Kardashians would do well to remember McLuhan when naming their unborn.

In 1976, The Paris Review published a 14-page book entitled How to Name Your Baby, said to be among the most highly stolen books in history.

The book comprised a "gallimaufry of actual names" purportedly assembled by a "worldwide network of correspondents" in order to help parents avoid the "lifeless" when choosing a baby's name. 

"A dull name often means a dull child, and in an age of mass-men America scarcely needs more nonentities called 'Chick' or 'Buddy.' No; the times call, instead, for new generations of pioneers and founders, men of strong characters... and strong names."

Among my favorite names in the book are:

• Brooklyn Bridge
• Cigar Stubbs
• Halloween Buggage
• July August September
• Katz Meow
• Moon Unit Zappa
• Positive Jackson
• Rosetta Stone
• Welcome Darling

Absent from How to Name Your Baby is my all-time favorite name, Capability Brown. 

The "Shakespeare of landscape design," Capability Brown was King George III’s royal gardener and the chief landscaper for scores of well-heeled English aristocrats.

Christened Lancelot by his parents, Capability earned his name by praising clients' yards not as yards, but "capabilities," by which he meant opportunities for dining, meditation, sports, and recreation.