The Secret of Trash

My life is, in a sense, trash.

— John Updike

When I was 17, hoping to find treasure, I picked Bob Dylan's trash.

The songster lived that year in the uppermost story of 94 MacDougal Street, a Greenwich Village townhouse he owned.

The plastic bag I nicked from Dylan's curbside—a perfectly legal, if unseemly, act—contained nothing but soiled Pampers, dirty paper towels, and kitchen-table scraps. Not a single abandoned lyric, guitar pick, or harmonica holder. I quickly tossed the foul-smelling bag into a public trash receptacle nearby.

This month Sotheby's will auction a 15th-century Ming dynasty bowl valued at $500,000. The owner, an anonymous picker, bought the bowl—one of only seven known to exist—at a Connecticut yard sale for $35. The picker had the "good eye"—and good luck—my 17-year-old, treasure-hunting self lacked.

All trash may be trash, but some trash is also treasure. The secret is to pick the right trash.

A man named Paul Moran once picked John Updike's trash after seeing the late writer deposit two plastic bags in the garbage bin in front of his Massachusetts home.

Moran found a batch of honorary college degrees Updike had received—all in pristine condition—and decided then and there to make a routine of picking Updike's trash every Wednesday.

Moran's routine soon led to him to amassing an enormous collection of Updike memorabilia that included discarded drafts, old love letters, Christmas cards, vacation photos, utility bills, receipts, canceled checks, White House invitations, floppy disks, address books, eyeglasses, and worn-out clothing.

When the author discovered Moran was picking his trash, he took steps to thwart him, but they didn't work. Moran returned every Wednesday until Updike died in 2009.

“I was sort of tormented by my activity,” Moran told The Atlantic in 2014. “It was a compulsion, an obsession. But I thought it was a justifiable one. I would have done the same thing if Picasso was living down the road."

Moran's treasures today reside in a rented storage unit in Austin. 

Mine lie buried in a landfill in Canarsie. 

One Man's Meat

Cows are delighted.

University of Tokyo researchers have grown beef in a lab, reports Nature.

While only a tiny morsel, the steak-like object paves the way to large-scale, lab-grown beef production.

Scientists' past efforts to grow beef in a lab have produced only a mince no discerning consumer would eat.

But the Tokyo University team has matched the real thing, growing cow cells in long strands that resemble muscle fibers.

When the researchers stimulated the cultured cells with electricity, the strands contracted, the way real muscles do.

“We have developed steak," lead researcher Shoji Takeuchi says.

Takeuchi's team plans next to introduce fat and blood into the morsel, "to make the meat more realistic."

No one has tried eating the product, because the University of Tokyo's bioethics committee has yet to approve that step.

My Two Cents

A wealth tax is popular among voters for good reason: because they understand the system is rigged to benefit the wealthy.

— Elizabeth Warren

Senator Elizabeth Warren wants to soak the rich by taxing the 100 thousand richest Americans two cents on every dollar of their net worth.

While Congress bickers over spending $1.9 trillion for Covid-19 relief, Warren's "wealth tax" would over 10 years raise at least a trillion dollars more than that amount.

Warren wants to target the funds to education and child care.

Reactionaries—true to form—are screaming "property theft!"

But is it theft, when you soak the rich?

The slang term soak, which originated in the early 19th century, meant to "extort." English-speakers would refer to dishonest merchants as extortionists who soaked customers.

The phrase soak the rich came into English a century later, when James Warburg, a banker and critic of FDR, used the phrase to describe the president's populist income-tax proposals. 

Soaking the rich meant "stealing rich folks' property" for redistribution among the poor.

But philosophers would say you can't really steal money from the rich, any more than, say, Robin Williams could steal jokes from fellow comedians. 

Like a joke, money isn't property: it's an intangible. (A joke can't even be made theft-proof by insisting it's "intellectual property;" another standup can simply change the joke's setting and claim it's new, as Milton Berle often did.)

You might object and insist that, although it isn't physical property, an intangible like a joke can be owned—and therefore stolen. 

However, to argue as such would be to assign a special status to intangibles (i.e., they're "nonmaterial property"), an argument that opens to the door to a lot of absurd legal and moral claims—for example, that other people with your first name have stolen your name; or, worse, stolen your identity.

Soaking the rich comes down to depriving them of intangibles by denying them a few digits on a bank account, while helping millions of low- and middle-income Americans struggle less to educate and care for their children. 

But the rich cannot stand seeing even a few electrons behind a spread sheet evaporate, because with that disappearance not their tangible possessions, but their power, lessens. And power is what it's really about.

Keeping Up With the Kardashians and Downton Abbey have conditioned us to think the super-rich love only leisure and luxury. 

But make no mistake: it's dominion they love—dominion they garner largely on the backs of others.

Comedian Bob Hope once said of Milton Berle, "He never heard a joke he didn't steal." 

Jack Benny—known himself to steal from Berle—defended the practice, claiming, "When you take a joke away from Milton Berle, it's not stealing, it's repossessing."

Elizabeth Warren isn't stealing from the rich, either; she's repossessing.

That's my two cents.

Fauxbohs

 

In a magazine article about the home of interior designer Dallas Shaw, I encountered the unfamiliar term gypset.

"With this gypset-style approach, Shaw started with her favorite room," the article said.

A Google search shuttled me to the website of travel writer Julia Chaplin, where I found the definition.

"I coined the term gypset (gypsy + jet set) to describe an international group of artists, entrepreneurs, surfers, seekers, and bon vivants who lead semi-nomadic, unconventional lives." Chaplin writes. 

"They are people I’ve met in my travels who have perfected a creative approach to life that fuses the freelance and nomadic ways of the mythologic gypsy with the adventurous freedom of the jet set."

Martha Stewart-like, Chaplin has built an empire around the so-called gypset lifestyle, replete with branded clothing, books, excursions, and events.

While gypset describes the lifestyle, its practitioners are bohos, Chaplin says, free-spirited folks who are "nomadic entrepreneurs," and who plan the path to bohemianism with precision NASA would envy.

It ain't easy being laid back.

Chaplin's term inspires me to coin my own: fauxboh.

A fauxboh is a fake bohemian, someone who spends a fortune to look non-materialistic; uses a travel agent to book a spiritual journey; and works all day long to appear a carefree slouch. 

A fauxboh is the 2020s' version of the 1960s' plastic hippy, only better traveled. 

A fauxboh should not be confused with a fauxbo, a well-off poseur who dresses like he's homeless and penniless; in short, a fake hobo.

Nor should the term be confused with FOBO, the "fear of better options" that cripples most college applicants, job seekers, home buyers, and diners at Denny's.

Finally, a fauxboh should not be confused with a bobo, the term coined by journalist David Brooks to describe a bourgeois bohemian. 

A bobo is a well-heeled yuppie with a guilt complex. When he shops, he "shops organically," to offset the carbon footprint his five cars, two homes, and jet ski, snowmobile and motorboat leave; and when he buys, he "buys American," to compensate for the fact he outsources all his business to Mumbai. A bobo is a big-spending bohemian.

All these terms raise the question: who were the original bohemians?

The answer: gypsies.

Parisians were the first to call artists and dilettantes “bohemians,” in the early 1800s. But they borrowed the term from the one they'd been using for 400 years to label gypsies, the stateless Roma.

Banished from India to wander Europe and the Middle East for centuries, in 1423 the Roma were granted citizenship in the Kingdom of Bohemia. 

When they were cast out of the kingdom 274 years later, the gypsies migrated to France. 

The French called the Kingdom of Bohemia La Boheme, and the strange and nomadic newcomers from that land les Bohemiens.

Chips on Their Shoulders

If there is one thing I dislike, it is the man who tries to air his grievances when I wish to air mine.

— P. G. Wodehouse

"Modern" families can stand down.

Mr. Potato Head is no longer a mister, according to the AP.

Toymaker Hasbro announced yesterday that its spud-shaped figure will now be referred to by the gender-neutral name "Potato Head." 

The company's Potato Head kits, moreover, will now include enough parts to allow kids to create same-sex potato couples.

Whether Hasbro's move anticipated passage of the Equality Act the same day is unknown, but its choice to stand on the right side of history did not escape company spokespeople.

"Hasbro is making sure all feel welcome in the Potato Head world," the company announced on its website.

Those spokespeople did not announce whether the toymaker will remove "bro" from its name, however.

A spokesperson for the National Potato Council (NPC) applauded Hasbro's decision, pointing out that potatoes, in fact, are genderless.

"Let me explain what happens when one potato loves another," NPC's spokesman told Goodly. 

"The parts of their flowers, which do have genders, become, if you will, 'intimate.' Pollen from the male part migrates to the female part. The female part then grows into a potato, but that potato is neither male nor female. So, scientifically speaking, Hasbro's decision to remove 'Mr.' was absolutely the correct one."

But Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, newly elected Republican from Georgia, criticized Hasbro and challenged the National Potato Council. 

"This is fake botany," Greene told Goodly. 

"Everybody knows God made two sexes when He created potatoes. Hasbro and the Council are just kowtowing to you-know-who: libtards from the land of fruits and nuts."

Unlike Greene, the majority of gendered trade characters, including Mr. Clean, Mr. Bubble, Mrs. Butterworth and Lille Miss Sunbeam, support Hasbro.

Although unavailable for interview, Mr. Peanut told Goodly through a publicist, "I'm a 'nut' for LGBTQ rights and salute Hasbro for its bold decision."