Tip #4 for the Business Writer

Avoid Imprecise Pronouns
Part 4 of a 5-part series on writing well.


If clarity is the aim of your prose, you miss the mark when you use imprecise pronouns. In particular, this and that.


These pronouns work only when clearly tied to a previous reference.


If used otherwise, they destroy clarity.


Here's an example (from Winterthur Technology Group) of an imprecise pronoun:


For the Winterthur group, the term "engineering" covers the complete consulting, support and training program. This helps customers to optimize the quality and efficiency of their grinding processes and achieve added value.

The pronoun this always refers to one thing. 

So, Winterthur, exactly what helps customers? Is it the term "engineering?" Consulting? Support? Or the training program?

The writer might have achieved clarity by saying:

For the Winterthur group, "engineering" means three things: consulting, support and training. Our three-pronged approach helps customers to optimize the quality and efficiency of their grinding processes and achieve added value.

Or the writer might say:

"Engineering" at Winterthur encompasses consulting, support and training, so you can optimize your grinding processes and get added value.

Tip #3 for the Business Writer

Subordinate conjunctions: handle with care

Part 3 of a 5-part series on writing well.

If you botch your use of subordinate conjunctions, you might be understood by readers. But you won't get any medals for logic.

Subordinate conjunctions are the glue that binds the independent and dependent parts of your sentences.

Subordinate conjunctions—handy words like after, because, however, until, where, whether and why—depict vital parts of reality, such as cause, sequence, timing and location.

Careless writers use subordinate conjunctions in ways that defy reason.

Here's an example (from Mobile Deals):

Tiny smartphones are selling like hot cakes these days, and HTC Wildfire S is clearly the proof of this statement, however one company who was trying too hard to prove this point is now no longer between us.

The sentence is illogical. The writer wants to tell readers:

• Sales of Wildfire S prove the high demand for tiny smartphones.
• In spite of the demand, one manufacturer of tiny smartphones has failed.

He should say:

As the HTC Wildfire S proves, tiny smartphones are selling like hot cakes, although one company that tried hard to prove the point is no longer with us.

A better alternative might be:

Sales of HTC Wildfire S prove the popularity of tiny smartphones, although one company that tried to milk the demand has failed.

Here's another example (from Smucker's) of the faulty use of a subordinate conjunction:

Moms and dads work hard to make sure their kids have a great start each day, but time and organizational challenges can make mornings stressful. Whether rushed or relaxed, the makers of Smucker's Snack'n Waffles brand waffles want to hear about your morning routine.

The writer's real aim is to say: 

• Morning routines are stressful for dutiful parents.
• Smucker's wants to learn whether yours is rushed or relaxed.

But she puts the dependent part of her second sentence in the wrong place. She should say:

Moms and dads work hard to make sure their kids have a great start each day, but time and organizational challenges can make mornings stressful. The makers of Smucker's Snack'n Waffles brand waffles want to hear whether your morning routine is rushed or relaxed.

Tip #2 for the Business Writer

Choose the right modifiers

Part 2 of a 5-part series on writing well.


Modifiers—the words that qualify nouns and verbs—can make or break your writing.


Like concrete nouns, modifiers can add precision your readers will appreciate.


But modifiers are tricky.


Use the right modifiers and your writing lifts off (think The Right Stuff).


Use the wrong modifers... use weak ones... use too many... or use clichés... and your writing fizzles.


As a rule, it's wise to omit modifiers, unless they add mojo to the nouns and verbs they qualify.


Here's an example (from Apple) of mangling your modifiers:


Sometimes life takes you by surprise. You’re reading a best seller on your iPad waiting for the morning train when you spy a gifted performer on the platform. Or you’re browsing the web on the couch when your dog trots by wearing your daughter’s tutu. The iSight camera on the new iPad lets you capture all these unpredictable, beautiful, and hilarious moments.


Does morning fortify the noun train? Only if the writer wanted us to think, "I can use my iPad while I commute."


Does iSight fortify camera? Positively.


Does new fortify iPad? Sure. No argument there.


Does gifted fortify performer? Nope. It's a cliché.


Do unpredictable, beautiful, and hilarious fortify moments? No. Once again, they're clichés.


How might the writer have better said this by omitting the modifiers?


Sometimes life takes you by surprise. You’re reading a best seller on your iPad waiting for the train when you spy a performer on the platform. Or you’re browsing the web on the couch when your dog trots by wearing your daughter’s tutu. The iSight camera on the new iPad lets you capture those moments.

Tip #1 for the Business Writer

Use concrete nouns

Part 1 of a 5-part series on writing well.

Concrete nouns not only bring your writing to life, but signify to readers that you care about them.

Abstract nouns, on the other hand, are usually the sign of an indifferent writer.

Face it: abstract talk is easy.

Finding the right concrete noun is hard.

The indifferent writer, instead of doing the heavy lifting, simply labels general categories of things.

The result?

Readers are left with little or no grasp of the writer's point. 

Worse, they're left wondering if the writer even cares about connecting with them.


Here's an example (from Delta Airlines) of overusing abstract nouns:


Earth Day provides a great opportunity for us as an airline to reflect on the importance of sustainability efforts in our industry. We're proud to say we've made a lot of progress in recent years, yet remain aware of the work still ahead of us.


How might the writer have better said this by using concrete nouns?

Earth Day provides us a moment to reflect on Delta's responsibility to help sustain our planet. We're proud of the strides we've taken in recent years, yet aware there's work still ahead.

Staying Abreast

New media lovers take notice.


Just when you thought old media was dead, it grabs headlines and attention everywhere.


I'm referring of course to the controversial cover of this week's edition of Time.


The magazine's editors found a bewitching way to draw readers into an otherwise ho-hum story about so-called "attachment parenting."


Sure, Facebook is engaging, amusing and clubby.


But traditional media, when it wants to, can still pack a wallop.