Wake Up, America!

Self-sacrifice enables us to sacrifice other people without blushing.

— George Bernard Shaw

I've been sacrificing lately.

Cheaper cuts of meat. Cable instead of streaming. Pepsodent toothpaste.

It's getting old.

A neighbor said last evening, "It's time to get this economy rolling."

I couldn't agree more.

My retirement accounts continue to see a paper loss. It's time to stanch it—even if that requires a little human loss.

Have we forgotten, America, the battles our fathers fought?

Rationing. Curfews. Blackouts. Lonely deaths at the hands of the foe. 

It was good for our mothers; it's good enough for me.

Wake up, America! It's time for you to roll!

Our workforce is already neatly partitioned. You're either Essential or you're Nonessential.

Why can't our population be? You're either Expendable or you're Nonexpendable.

The designation is elegant, don't you agree? 

Let the economists and lawyers quibble over the "Value of Life" 'til the cows come home. I've got no time for that!

When the president toured the Honeywell factory last week, the PA system blasted "Live and Let Die" and I thought they're playing my song!

Wake up, Expendables! Get out there and die for the Dow.

Me, I'm strictly Nonexpendable.

Grifters

The details of my life are quite inconsequential.

— Dr. Evil

This week the video Plandemic proved its box-office mojo.

Before YouTube deleted the video, over eight million people watched.

Plandemic stars discredited NIH researcher Dr. Judy Mikovits, who claims that two eugenicists, Mr. Bill Gates and Dr. Anthony Fauci, are plotting to take over the world.

Plandemic “recast a pusher of discredited pseudoscience as a whistle-blowing counterpoint to real expertise,” a political scientist told The New York Times.

As P.T. Barnum observed, Americans are suckers for self-proclaimed "truth-tellers" like Mikovits.

They fail to see these messiahs for what they are: grifters.

Since Plandemic was released Monday, Mikovits' $22 book Plague of Corruption has reached the very top of Amazon’s list of print best-sellers.

And before the video's release, she cashed in on a fundraising campaign—halted last Friday by GoFundMe—that backers of QAnon were publicizing.

"Conspiracy theorists are winning," writes Jeffey Goldberg, editor of The Atlantic. "America is losing its grip on enlightenment values and reality itself."

But that's nothing new.

Americans have always been targets for grifters.

Take, for example, George Bickley.

An accomplished con artist, in 1854 Bickley founded the Knights of the Golden Circle, a membership organization dedicated to expanding slavery by annexing Mexico, South America, and the Caribbean.

Membership dues were paid by checks made out to "President General of the American Legion," who was none other than George Bickley.

Or take, for example, Robert Welch.

A retired candy manufacturer, in 1958 Welch founded the John Birch Society, a membership organization dedicated to combating a "furtive conspiratorial cabal of internationalists, greedy bankers, and corrupt politicians."

The society was in fact a pyramid scheme: members had not only to recruit other members, but buy an inventory of books they were supposed to sell to prospects.

Or take, for example, Charles Manson.

A small-time thief, pimp, jailbird and drug-pusher, in 1968 Manson founded The Family, a California commune with over 100 members.

A year later, he persuaded a band of his stoned-out followers to murder everyone living in two Beverley Hills homes, because their owners had ripped him off in a drug deal.

Or take, for example, Glenn Beck.

A former disc jockey, alcoholic and drug addict, in 2002 Beck founded Mercury Radio Arts, a right-wing multi-media company. The company is named after Orson Welles' Mercury Theater on the Air.

Although he cites the muck-raking hero of Citizen Kane as the explanation, Beck in fact chose the company's name because he admires the way Welles hoodwinked all America with War of the Worlds.

The word grifter—meaning con artist, thief, swindler, or flim-flammer—dates to the early 20th century. 

It blends the words grafter and drifter.

A grafter profits through shady means.

A drifter is rootless.

That's rootless, not ruthless.

Grifters are the ruthless ones.

Beware the Highwaymen

No thief is happy to be a thief and no murderer is happy to be a murderer.

― Rajneesh

Amid the celebrations of sacrifice and innovation, it's easy to forget malfeasance.

While hard times bring out the best in some people, they bring out the worst in thieves.

I ran into thieves during the Great Recession, when I was running consumer shows. 

A half dozen exhibitors―people with whom I'd been doing business for years―wrote me bad checks for their booth rents at the close of several shows. Some simply skipped out of the shows without paying anything. 

I lost more than $18,000 to those thieves.

I'm running into thieves now. Texas-based Newtek last month billed my credit card nearly $900, claiming I owed the company for "storage." 

While the company had been my web-hosting provider for 10 years―billing my card $6 every month for the service―I shut down my website over two years ago, after which I heard no more from Newtek.

Until it suddenly billed my credit card the $900 last month.

Now the company wants me to prove I shut down the website it hosted. 

"If you 'turned off the services in February 2018,'" the CFO wrote me yesterday, "I could not find any tangible evidence to support this event. 

"I can assure you we are only collecting on balances that are due and payable. 

"I would be more than happy to credit the account if you can provide the tangible evidence."

"No thief is happy to be a thief and no murderer is happy to be a murderer," the guru Rajneesh said. 

"They have been forced. In fact they are victims; they have been compelled by the logic of situations. They have been brought up in such a way that their whole being has been poisoned.”

Time are hard―and growing harder.

Beware the highwaymen!

So Long, High and Tight

He who neglects his hair neglects his country.

― Ben Franklin

American men will go to great lengths for short hair.

The proof: barbers have already reopened in 32 states.

Custom makes men their customers.

For men, high and tight―throughout the past century, at least―has been the American way.

Long hair on men is loathsome to many. Sergeants hate it; so do principals, umpires, bankers and firefighters.

Their aversion is scriptural: “Doth not nature teach that if a man have long hair it is a shame unto him?”

It's also historical: Ancient Barbarians had long hair; Native Americans had long hair; hobos and hippies had long hair.

You can't trust any of them!

"Trust and confidence go hand-in-hand with remaining high and tight," says journalist C. Brian Smith.

But I respectfully disagree. I think, as does journalist John Green, "The worse the haircut, the better the man."

Feminists also hate long hair―but on women.

I'm pro-feminist, but like long hair―especially on women. 

I like in particular:

Veronica Lake

Cleopatra's braids. 

Marie Antoinette's mane. 

Barbara Feldon's bob. 

Angela Davis' Afro. 

Farrah Fawcett's shag.

Princess Diana's pixie. 

Bo Derek's cornrows.

And―my all-time favorite―Veronica Lake's pageboy.

How about you? 

Whose 'do do you fancy?

Thanks, Mom!

Necessity is the mother of invention.

— Plato

What better day than today to celebrate Necessity?

Wartime shortages of chocolate in 1938 prompted Italian pastry maker Pietro Ferrero to find a substitute. 

After months of trial and error, Pietro hit upon the winning recipe: mix one part coconut butter with five parts hazelnut oil and five parts molasses; add a smidgen of cocoa.

Pietro's brother Giovanni was so impressed, he formed a company to sell Pietro's "Super Cream" throughout Italy, Germany, Austria, France and Belgium.

Today we call Super Cream by another name. 

Nutella.

According to Plato, Necessity was the goddess of fortune.

She rules the cosmos by wielding a giant spindle that her three daughters, The Fates, perpetually rotate.

Picture the planets and stars orbiting Earth and you get the idea.

Not only do they spin heavenly bodies, The Fates also weave destinies.

When you die, you appear before Necessity's throne and request of the Fates your next incarnation. 

You can return as a king, a courtier, a commoner, a peasant, or even a pet or wild animal. 

Myself, I hope to return as a Kardashian.

So while the Fates are in charge of every individual's destiny, Necessity is in charge of the whole shebang.

Which is why we should celebrate her today.

Late Friday, the FDA approved an antigen test invented by Quidel Corporation. It detects in only minutes whether you're infected by Covid-19.

The new test gives the nation's healthcare workers the tool they've so desperately needed.

Necessity is indeed the mother of invention.

Thanks, Mom!

Published Mother's Day 2020.